A crier

I'm a crier. It's like the way that my body copes with stress is just to collapse in on itself and dissolve into tears. Housemate came home tonight and commented that i sounded 'a bit low' and i was half way through explaining why before i lost it and started crying. Her rather amusing response was 'well, you haven't had a cry in a while, you were really due for one'

It made me laugh and i realise that it was true as well. I do just get to the point where the only way that i can cope with, well, life, is just to cry. 

Running, i think, has made me feel better. All those happy endorphin's and everything but this week i realise that i can't really change that about me...

But the thing is, it makes me feel so very pathetic. I have always felt like i should be stronger and more resilient about everything. I should be able to breeze through things and have anything that challenges me just, i don't know, bounce off me? 

I don't want to be a robot, but just sometimes, sometimes wish that i just had more strength... 

Or is that not the question, or plea. Should i just be more OK with this as my way of coping? Is it one of those things that I've be "taught" that crying is a sign of weakness.... That me not coping is weak, when possibly it's OK for me occasionally not to cope and have this release. But that's still me not coping, and that's what i have the issue with. I WANT to be able to cope properly, whatever properly is. Without tears, obviously. 

I think i started writing in the first place because i needed that way of coping too. Writing, Running and crying... How productive of me.